Thursday, 18 June 2015

This is how I am and who I am!

Not many of my friends, family, followers and so on, knows that I have ADHD. Well, honestly, I myself didn't knew about it before three years ago.

During my life I've always been an active kid. A lot of energy, you know, like normal kids. It was during junior high that I started having a lot of energy, even though I didn't eat much. I didn't pay much attention to it, and thought it was normal.

After three years at high school, I became very good friends with two girls, which still is one of my best friends today. One of them told me;
"you got a lot of energy all the time."
I answered: "yea, I've been like this my whole life."
My friend answered; "Have you been to the doctor to check if you got ADHD?"

After 6-12 months I actually went to the doctor,and it didn't take long before I actually was diagnosed with ADHD. And my life was more explainable to me then never before. I got medication which helped me through some hard years. It was a roller coaster for me, due to breakups, deaths in my family and so much on.

Later in life I got together with a new guy, which is my boyfriend at the moment. We have been having a lot of small fights due to random small things, but also because of the person I am. We always forgave each other, and there was no question of leaving each other either. We just had a communications problem, which we couldn't figured out of.

For some days ago, a Swedish friend of me shared a video on facebook, which was two girls who explained how it is inside a brain for a person with ADHD. Suddenly my shoulders felt so much easier. She was literately explaining my whole life. Everything that went in my head, how I was a person, and how I acts. I felt so happy, so relieved. And I right away understood why everything was so difficult. Why I had so problems with understanding, explaining, communicating. I knew I had ADHD, I knew I was very hyper, but I didn't knew about the rest.

I told my mother about the video and everything. She explained to me that girls with ADHD, do normally only think a lot, while the boys are the more active ones. The ones that hits and do damaged. This too made more sense to me, but why haven't anyone told me? I don't know.

The video has it very good explained, but sadly it's in Swedish. I will translate some of it to English, but only the parts which explains me most. All credit to the girls who made the video: Madeleine Waerner & Felizia Larsson ADHD - I hate you and I love you

"ADHD - I hate you and I love you

We all humans have the same kind of feelings, but what makes me different is that I don't get upset, I get angry. Not happy, but super happy and excited. And when I'm sad, I'm totally broken. When I've decided to do something, I go all the way with my hearth and all. But when it's not going as planed, my world get crushed and I give up. 

In my brain I got different things that I need to sort out, which can be things that is happening or feelings. And when I can't get my things sorted out, my brain explode cause of frustration, cause I can't get all the information in to my head. And when it's happening, it has to come out of me one way or another, which for me would be through been angry. When I get angry, I've no control of what I'm saying. My words are just coming out of me and I have no control over myself. I do try, but it doesn't help. So please don't take it personally, since I've no control over what I'm saying, I do have a hard time apologizing 'cause it's not me speaking. The time you have, is not the same time as I have. The filter that you have which make you decide what you should and could say and not during a fight, is something I don't have. And that can be a problem in my daily life.

I am not arrogant or ignoring you when you speak. My thoughts are just flying away, and my attention are following them cause they are interesting. Example: Water that is dripping, people that are listing to music, or a conversation that is too long. I'm really trying to keep my focus on you all the time and listening to what you are saying, and I see your lips are moving. You can probably ignore everything around you and keep talking, but for me, it's a huge distraction. My thoughts are now on a different place, no matter how hard I tired to keep myself with you.

I can concentrate without having to touch or do something, if there is something I am very interested in doing. But if it's not interesting, I got this feeling that I need to do something, cause I have too much energy. Which i do by moving around, do something with my fingers etc. This can also be done to keep my focus at you when having a conversation, or what I am doing. And sometimes I need a break to be able to continue after.

You will probably think that I didn't listen to you, while you were answering my question. You getting frustrated and angry cause I'm asking the same question over and over and over again. Don't be, because I did listen. It just went away somewhere in my head.

My thoughts are always in action, sometimes I'm not even following everything. You can maybe be confused that I'm in a good mood first, and then I'm suddenly sad or angry. Nobody understand my ups and downs, and how fast it can change, not even myself.

Speaking of feelings. You probably wondering if I like been in conflicted with people, since I'm very often ends up in it. I probably mess with things I've nothing to do with, but I'm not doing it to make it worse. The filter you got in your head that stops you for getting involved with other peoples mess, is something I don't have. I don't see the consequences right away, like you do. I do it after..Which makes me do enter conflicts cause I feel it's unfair or I dare about the person. It's just an impulse I got.

You probably get tired of me asking where I've put all my things, and if you have seen them.That I probably should be try focusing more, to try to remember where I've put my things, example like my keys. So you just had to get used to it. 

You think I got problem to tell you or other people how much I love you and care for you. But I just dont know how to put it into words. I show it in other ways, you maybe don't know about, or for you to actually understood how big step it it for me to actually be hugs you a bit harder or longer. Or when I do what you ask me to do, plus a little bit more, so you can see that I actually care for you too."

Later it continues with more:
"You probably wondering how I manage to live like this, but you got to understand. I don't have a choice. I was born this way, so I've worked on live with it, which for me is not that much work as it is for you to understand all this. If you don't understand me, then we never going to get along. You have to try to live in my world, as the same as I need to live in yours every day.

We, who have ADHD, feels more, we hate more, but we also love more. If you can't handle us, then go and take a break or something. Normally we are pretty clever and smart, and very fast, and if you will let us be the way we are, we can offer you a lot, not only personally but also at work. You will probably not have it quiet and peaceful, and if my brain becomes too much for you, with all my thinking and questioning, take a break." 

And in the end
"There is nothing wrong with ADHD. It maybe gives me more energy to do things, then you are normally able to.I love that I can have 1000 things in the air at the same time, and that it's always something happening around me.It somehow makes me calm, and without ADHD, I don't think I would have been the same person I am today. And I would probably not have gotten this far as I am"

If you read all this, you would probably understand me better as a person, and how me and many other with ADHD and other diagnoses similar to this, is having it daily. I wrote a post long time ago, (For those who read norwegian, here it is: En tur på butikken) where I wrote everything I've been thinking during a 40 min walk back and forwards from the store. And you can easily see how fast I get distracted. For those who already know me a little, knows that I am easily detracted. And for those who want to get to know me: this is part of me!

See you soon!

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Why is it called backspace?

You know the button on your computer which you press to remove the text you've written? It's called backspace. You know the button on your computer which you press to delete things? It's called delete button. But why?

If we go into the function of these buttons. If you press the backspace button, it will start going backwards but also delete the following text. So it's designed to delete text, right?

The delete button do delete text as well, but it will stay on the same stop and delete the text that it's in front of it. It's also very usefull, and I think it's more designed for, deleting objects that are collected. A very good example in this can be while editing something in Photoshop.

So they both have the function of deleting something, but in two different way. But why is it still named backspace? I suggested "delete backwards button" and "delete forwards button". Or "delete backspace", which maybe too would make more sense. And why not call delete button for "delete object"? Would make more sense to the people that don't know so much about the computer, or for people that is having trouble learning it.

I've not been looking this up or not even tried to figure it out. It's just something that suddenly poped into my brain. Maybe you know the answer?

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Saturday, 13 June 2015

How to live with ghost/spririts!

I'm a person who don't judge people very easily, so if you don't believe in ghost it's fine. If you're one of those people who do believe in ghost, please don't get freaked out, and let me explain! This post will be telling a little bit about the story, some episodes and how I live with it now. If you don't want to read it all, then just ship to the part where you want.


Since the day I was born, I've been living in the same house with my grandparents and my parents. My parents and I lived in the basement, while my grandparents on the other hand lived in the first floor. As my younger days I was very active running up and down the stairs between the floors. Due to my love for my grandparents, there wasn't exactly anything stopping me.

Sadly, when I was around 11-12 years old, my lovely grandfather died of cancer. This did effect me very hardly, cause I didn't know how to deal with the sorrow, but on the other hand, it did effect me very positively too. It made me love my grandmother even more then before.

Some year's later, when I was around 14 years old, I started to be very afraid of been home alone. I felt there were something there, but I couldn't exactly point it out. When my parents where at the cabin, and my grandmother was upstairs, I was often alone in the basement. Even if I was in another room, I still let the tv on. If I then heard something, I could just blame the tv for the noises.

Episode 1

One year later, my parents was gone for the weekend, as normal, but this time my grandmother was going to travel out of town. I was asked if I wanted to invite a friend over, so I wouldn't be all alone, and yes, I did. Nothing special happen during that weekend. The days just went on like normal. Tv was still on in the living room, my friend and I was just sitting in another room reading a magazine and typing on the computer. The clock was 2pm, on a Saturday, so we were just relaxing before people were suppose to come home. Suddenly, I hear somebody walking up the stairs from the first floor and up to the attic. I could clearly hear it was steps, but like I always did; I calmed myself down and said to myself "It's just the tv." Around one minute later, my friend asked me: "Aren't we home alone?". And she was correct. If my grandmother had been coming home, she would have opened the door (to the stairs down to the basement) and said that she was home. And, by personally experience you kind of getting used to the sounds people are making in the house when they are doing different stuff. So if she would have been home, I would have known. 

I remember I got the cold running down my back, as I looked shocked at her and asked "yes, why are you asking?". She said to me, with a questionable face "Cause I just heard somebody walking up your stairs".

After some minutes with non of us speaking, we decided we had to go and check this out. I took my father's baseballbat, and walked up. My friend was following me, and scared me when I opened the door. You know, just to make things more creepier. After walking all the way up, and looking around and everything. We found nothing. We checked if the windows were open, that maybe things have been falling down, we found nothing.

One hour later my grandmother came home. I told her what happen, but she couldn't explain it as well. Later my friend had to leave, and just and an hour after that my parents came home. I told my parents everything, that even my friend had heard it, that we had  been checking it out and found nothing. I asked even my father to go and see if he could find anything, he didn't. 

Episode 2

Some year later, I'd experience different things in the house. I had felt somebody touching my arm. I had seen a male figure in the hallway, which I just thought was because of too little sleep (if it was a ghost or not, I don't know) and I've seen shadows too. Later on, I didn't experience so much, because I had moved out of my house and into an apartment with my boyfriend. But that didn't change the fact that I still heard people walking in the stairs at our apartment, even if people weren't there. So if the ghost had been following me, I don't know. There was also an episode at this apartment where somebody were calling my name at that apartment, when I was taking a shower. I just though it was the roommate next door, who have gotten home and just wanted to let me know. But when I'd gotten out of the shower and knocked on his door, he wasn't home. I called him, but he said he hadn't been home since he left for work that morning. After that time, I was afraid of been home alone again.


Later in life, I broke up with my boyfriend and moved home to my parents. Because of heartbroken, I didn't pay so much attention to what was going on in life. I was just spending most of my time at the computer, until a friend of me dragged me out and i met a new guy, who is now my boyfriend. My grandmother died, some months later, and two years later my parents renovated the apartment upstairs and moved in. Me and my boyfriend started renovating the apartment in the basement. So the same thing is gonna happen, only with different people. They are living upstairs, and we downstairs.

Episode 3

While my parents were renovating upstairs, they notice things went missing, a lot. They could have placed a tool one place, and been looking for for two-three days, and then it would show up at almost the same place. Even if they were two people looking for it, and only one person have placed it there.

There was also one evening during a weekend, I was cleaning out my bedroom which lied on the first floor. My parents was at the cabin as normal. I'd told my boyfriend that if he got bored, he could take our son and go for a walk and visit me. And like always, my habit with the TV never changed, it was on again.

While I was cleaning, picking stuff I was going to have and not have, I suddenly heard somebody open the front door. I could clearly hear somebody pulling down the handle and open the door. I said a bit loudly "I'm in here!", just so he knew where to find me. The way from the front door to my bedroom is only two-three meters, so I was pretty sure he heard me. After some minutes, nothing happened. It was totally quiet again. I opened the front door to see if he was outside, but there was nothing there. Then I suddenly remember that I couldn't hear my son making any sounds as well, which was pretty strange. I didn't bother with it anymore, got done with the cleaning and went home.

When I got home I joked and asked if he was afraid of coming inside, or if he couldn't find me. Then I could clearly see that he hadn't been out of the house at all. He even looked strange at me and asked what I was talking about. I answered:"Oh, nothing honey. I just heard something in the other house."

Episode 4

One evening when me and my mother was sitting around drinking a little and talking, she suddenly came through with it. She told me that she maybe knows what's going on. She told me that she too, have been seen a shadow in the basement hallway, and that she thinks it's my grandfather. She also told me about the tools and things gone missing, and said it would probably have been my grandmother since she always was cleaning, and hate things been messy. I told her about the sounds and everything I heard and did, when I was cleaning my room, and she answered it's probably my grandmother that as well. She also told me, which I also remember, that she told something to me when I was a kid. I told her many times that there were people watching or following me when I was walking around. It didn't had to be any special places, just basic walking. She told me that they were kind of like guardian angels. You know, spirit that just want to take care of me, and no matter how or when, if I felt uncomfortable, I could just tell them to leave me alone for moment. And they would go away. She had been carrying two spirits around all her life as well.

Episode 5

While my boyfriend was downstairs working, and I was cleaning upstairs, while my son was sleeping, I suddenly started to hear somebody calling my name again, like they did in the old apartments with my ex. Each time I heard somebody called my name, I went to the door down to the basement and yelled back to my boyfriend  and asked what he wanted. Because I believed it was him, but it wasn't. And even one of the times, his sister could confirm that he hasn't been yelling. Was I really getting crazy?

The name calling for me continued at our apartment where we lived now, while renovating the basement. When my boyfriend was at work, and sometimes when my son was sleeping I could hear people calling my name in the hallway. There has also been one time where I know for sure I heard somebody open the door and went in, and one time where I heard somebody said "hello!?" with a light female voice, asking like if she wondered if I was home or not.

Episode 6

So, I was home at my parent place. My father had been home for picking up some paper and had just left. My mother went to the store, and I had just given min kid food and was wondering what to do. My kid was playing on the floor in the kitchen, and I went to the living room. I looked at the TV and though to myself: "Should I watch TV?" I saw that I had to press the button on the TV, cause it wasn't on. And I couldn't see the remote control. Before I even got close to the TV, I reconsidered my plan of watching TV, and said to myself: "It's sunny, and lovely weather, I think I'll rather go outside."

We got this hallway from the livingroom and kitchen to the front door, and I stood in the front door looking. Then It suddenly became very quiet inside, and I could hear my son wasn't playing on the floor anymore. I rushed inside to check what he was doing, but he didn't do much other then standing up and opening the freezer door. You know, a fridge with a freezer under?

There were no other sounds in the house, and there was nobody else besides me and my son. And if my son have been crawl away from the kitchen to another room, I would have heard it. So I picked up my son, and I went to the living room to find his pacifier and make him ready for a nap. I heard that my mother came home and went to the kitchen, while I was in the living room. So I didn't say much more then "hello, I'm gonna put my kid to sleep now". Then I suddenly heard a sound, which was a lady speaking and laughing. I turned around and without understanding why or how, the TV was on. I am 100% sure it wasn't me, cause I didn't touch it, or find the remote control, and my mother wasn't home before I entered the living room. Ether, there have been somebody touching or effecting the TV, or I know how to do telekinesis, or my cat, which was outside, learn to run inside - turn the TV on - and then ran out. 

I asked my mother, and my father when he got home, if any of they had turned the TV on or even touch it! Non of them. I told them that the TV turned on by itself, and they wasn't exactly surprised. What is going on in this house??


Episode 7

So, we were almost done with the renovating and I was downstairs doing some cleanup, when I suddenly could hear somebody walked over the floor above me, The room over me would be the bedroom of my grandmother, which she very often used to stand in the window looking out. At this time I just wanted to be done, so we could get faster done with all this building and so on, so if it was her, I guess she just wanted to look out the window. And by the way, I was home alone. 

When I was in the car and was about to drive off, I could see her. I saw somebody walked in the kitchen, and it looked very like her. It gave me freezing, but it also gave me a warm feeling and a smile on my face. 

How to live with it

So here we are. We're about to move into the house where all this crazy, unknown things have been happening. We have seen, felt, heard different unexplainable things. And we know it's there. So why do I want to move back into the house, when I know "it" is there? Because it's my childhood home, and we think it's my grandparents, which I love deeply. I loved them when they were alive, and I still love them. I know they only want us well, and if I want them to leave me alone, I will just tell them so. I don't know for sure yet, how it would be to actually been living there and how everything would become, but we'll see. If the worst thing happen, we can just get a medium or a psychic to let them find peace instead of been around us. But as long as they don't bother us, or scare my son, I am very warm and welcome to have the people I love around me. To know they are taking care of me, and guarding me, like they did my whole life while they were still alive. 

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