Thursday, 18 June 2015
This is how I am and who I am!
Not many of my friends, family, followers and so on, knows that I have ADHD. Well, honestly, I myself didn't knew about it before three years ago.
During my life I've always been an active kid. A lot of energy, you know, like normal kids. It was during junior high that I started having a lot of energy, even though I didn't eat much. I didn't pay much attention to it, and thought it was normal.
After three years at high school, I became very good friends with two girls, which still is one of my best friends today. One of them told me;
"you got a lot of energy all the time."
I answered: "yea, I've been like this my whole life."
My friend answered; "Have you been to the doctor to check if you got ADHD?"
After 6-12 months I actually went to the doctor,and it didn't take long before I actually was diagnosed with ADHD. And my life was more explainable to me then never before. I got medication which helped me through some hard years. It was a roller coaster for me, due to breakups, deaths in my family and so much on.
Later in life I got together with a new guy, which is my boyfriend at the moment. We have been having a lot of small fights due to random small things, but also because of the person I am. We always forgave each other, and there was no question of leaving each other either. We just had a communications problem, which we couldn't figured out of.
For some days ago, a Swedish friend of me shared a video on facebook, which was two girls who explained how it is inside a brain for a person with ADHD. Suddenly my shoulders felt so much easier. She was literately explaining my whole life. Everything that went in my head, how I was a person, and how I acts. I felt so happy, so relieved. And I right away understood why everything was so difficult. Why I had so problems with understanding, explaining, communicating. I knew I had ADHD, I knew I was very hyper, but I didn't knew about the rest.
I told my mother about the video and everything. She explained to me that girls with ADHD, do normally only think a lot, while the boys are the more active ones. The ones that hits and do damaged. This too made more sense to me, but why haven't anyone told me? I don't know.
The video has it very good explained, but sadly it's in Swedish. I will translate some of it to English, but only the parts which explains me most. All credit to the girls who made the video: Madeleine Waerner & Felizia Larsson ADHD - I hate you and I love you
"ADHD - I hate you and I love you
We all humans have the same kind of feelings, but what makes me different is that I don't get upset, I get angry. Not happy, but super happy and excited. And when I'm sad, I'm totally broken. When I've decided to do something, I go all the way with my hearth and all. But when it's not going as planed, my world get crushed and I give up.
In my brain I got different things that I need to sort out, which can be things that is happening or feelings. And when I can't get my things sorted out, my brain explode cause of frustration, cause I can't get all the information in to my head. And when it's happening, it has to come out of me one way or another, which for me would be through been angry. When I get angry, I've no control of what I'm saying. My words are just coming out of me and I have no control over myself. I do try, but it doesn't help. So please don't take it personally, since I've no control over what I'm saying, I do have a hard time apologizing 'cause it's not me speaking. The time you have, is not the same time as I have. The filter that you have which make you decide what you should and could say and not during a fight, is something I don't have. And that can be a problem in my daily life.
I am not arrogant or ignoring you when you speak. My thoughts are just flying away, and my attention are following them cause they are interesting. Example: Water that is dripping, people that are listing to music, or a conversation that is too long. I'm really trying to keep my focus on you all the time and listening to what you are saying, and I see your lips are moving. You can probably ignore everything around you and keep talking, but for me, it's a huge distraction. My thoughts are now on a different place, no matter how hard I tired to keep myself with you.
I can concentrate without having to touch or do something, if there is something I am very interested in doing. But if it's not interesting, I got this feeling that I need to do something, cause I have too much energy. Which i do by moving around, do something with my fingers etc. This can also be done to keep my focus at you when having a conversation, or what I am doing. And sometimes I need a break to be able to continue after.
You will probably think that I didn't listen to you, while you were answering my question. You getting frustrated and angry cause I'm asking the same question over and over and over again. Don't be, because I did listen. It just went away somewhere in my head.
My thoughts are always in action, sometimes I'm not even following everything. You can maybe be confused that I'm in a good mood first, and then I'm suddenly sad or angry. Nobody understand my ups and downs, and how fast it can change, not even myself.
Speaking of feelings. You probably wondering if I like been in conflicted with people, since I'm very often ends up in it. I probably mess with things I've nothing to do with, but I'm not doing it to make it worse. The filter you got in your head that stops you for getting involved with other peoples mess, is something I don't have. I don't see the consequences right away, like you do. I do it after..Which makes me do enter conflicts cause I feel it's unfair or I dare about the person. It's just an impulse I got.
You probably get tired of me asking where I've put all my things, and if you have seen them.That I probably should be try focusing more, to try to remember where I've put my things, example like my keys. So you just had to get used to it.
You think I got problem to tell you or other people how much I love you and care for you. But I just dont know how to put it into words. I show it in other ways, you maybe don't know about, or for you to actually understood how big step it it for me to actually be hugs you a bit harder or longer. Or when I do what you ask me to do, plus a little bit more, so you can see that I actually care for you too."
Later it continues with more:
"You probably wondering how I manage to live like this, but you got to understand. I don't have a choice. I was born this way, so I've worked on live with it, which for me is not that much work as it is for you to understand all this. If you don't understand me, then we never going to get along. You have to try to live in my world, as the same as I need to live in yours every day.
We, who have ADHD, feels more, we hate more, but we also love more. If you can't handle us, then go and take a break or something. Normally we are pretty clever and smart, and very fast, and if you will let us be the way we are, we can offer you a lot, not only personally but also at work. You will probably not have it quiet and peaceful, and if my brain becomes too much for you, with all my thinking and questioning, take a break."
And in the end
"There is nothing wrong with ADHD. It maybe gives me more energy to do things, then you are normally able to.I love that I can have 1000 things in the air at the same time, and that it's always something happening around me.It somehow makes me calm, and without ADHD, I don't think I would have been the same person I am today. And I would probably not have gotten this far as I am"
If you read all this, you would probably understand me better as a person, and how me and many other with ADHD and other diagnoses similar to this, is having it daily. I wrote a post long time ago, (For those who read norwegian, here it is: En tur på butikken) where I wrote everything I've been thinking during a 40 min walk back and forwards from the store. And you can easily see how fast I get distracted. For those who already know me a little, knows that I am easily detracted. And for those who want to get to know me: this is part of me!
See you soon!